Bloody Hail!

Hello French fans,

 

We have had a really busy two weeks getting the house ready for the installation of the central heating, which is being started this Monday!

The Gruesome Twosome aka Simon and Steve fixed some guttering to the side of the house, which has made a massive difference to the stinky downstairs bathroom.

No more wet stones, no more blaming Simon for making the toilet smell like rotting vegetation. 

Not sure why he’s glaring at me through the fence, maybe it’s wind…

We have also had our extension plans rubber stamped by the Maire! Although I have an ominous feeling that this is going to involve mud, blood, sweat and tears.

Simon clad the back of the bread oven wall so that the electrics could be attached for the washing machine and the tumble dryer.

We used up the left over cladding from the boiler room which has covered the cement that Simon had to use to fill in the hole.

The next day he secured some white board to the walls which will be for fixing more electric, water and central heating pipes. These will be covered with false cupboards when it’s all done but at the moment it has to be on show so the plumber and electrician can see where Simon wants all the equipment to go. There is a diagram available for anyone who’s interested.

We thought we had better give the spiders the old heave ho so donned our protective gear.

A woolly hat for Si…

And a tea towel for me…

I like to think I resembled Carmen Miranda but alas, I think it’s more like Hilda Ogden…

We soon had the place spic and span, and not a cobweb in sight.

The next job, in readiness for the central heating was to put the rest of the radiators in place. Thankfully there were no more to be taken upstairs, phew! But we did have to take out a wood-burning fire from the kitchen and fill in the gaping hole that it left behind.

As you can see, we were left with, yet again, shit, corruption and the never-ending spider webs.

Si set some insulation in the hole and used up some more of the off cuts from the boiler room.

Back to the boiler room for a touch of painting.

We needed to treat the wood as the sun, rain and bad weather in the Winter will ruin it within 6 months.

Luckily Simon had recently changed the engine oil of the truck and, with a recipe from his old friend Chopper, we mixed it, half and half with diesel. Apparently, the oil waterproofs and colours the wood and the diesel draws it into the wood grain.

 

Looking good we think!

The local cow herd think it’s looking pretty smart too, they came past for a quick nose.

I've discovered how to make gifs, there's no stopping me now!

We also had our first visitors from the UK come to stay, Simon’s parents. This is probably the only way to get Simon to take some time off. We thought we’d take them into our local town, Aubusson.

The town is world famous for tapestry and rugs. The origins of tapestry are, according to historians, mysterious.

Conferring to the legend, the Saracens, after they were defeated in the Battle of Poitiers in 732, would have settled weaving looms on the banks of the Creuse river. There is a tumbled down fort or castle on the hill overlooking the town, I’m guessing this is where they hung out.

In the 15th century the backgrounds of tapestries were laden with flower patterns - the most famous example being The Lady and the Unicorn.

By the 16th century, tapestries were being woven in Aubusson, Felletin and Bellegarde. They were intended as decoration and drew their inspiration from religious and mythological themes, depicting plant life sceneries, animals and characters.

In the 17th century, tapestry enjoyed a remarkable expansion and in 1665, Aubusson was given the status of Royal Manufacture by Colbert. He was a French statesman who served as Comptroller General of Finance (1665–83) and Secretary of State for the Navy (1668–83) under King Louis XIV of France.

After the French Revolution (off with their heads!) the workshops of La Creuse lost their status of Royal Manufacturers. Upholstery and machine-made carpets replaced wall tapestry, which was no longer appreciated. I mean, who wants a handmade rug when you can buy synthetic shag pile from Carpets R Us!

The town itself is really pretty and it was a glorious day for a wander.

It didn’t take Simon long though to be chaffing at the bit and wanting to get back to work.

The utility room needed a bit more attention. Simon was trying a new technique for him, metal stud-work which you fix the plaster board to. In the bathroom he had used wood to batten out the walls ready for plaster board but here en Francais they use metal. As we should assume that they know what they’re doing, considering French builders have much more experience of old stone houses than we do, we thought we’d give it a go.

What a revelation!

It went up quicker than a rat up a drainpipe!

 

It also has the advantage of being lighter, less messy, as cutting it with a grinder doesn’t produce piles of sawdust and it’s cheaper than wood too!

And its overwhelming attraction for Simon is that it’s super easy to level. He does love a straight edge.

 

Due to the ridiculously hot and humid weather, we had put a gazebo up in the back garden. Upon seeing it in all its glory, Simon rushed upstairs, rummaged through his dressing up box and appeared on the lawn, ready for his close up…

He’s desperate to race in the Dakar Rally, he’s got the headgear, now all he needs is a racing car, a support truck and quite a lot more money than we have access to.

 

As I mentioned, the temperature had soared, it had been in the mid-thirties and before we went to bed on Thursday, I’d suggested to Simon that maybe we should put the garden chairs away as it was due to rain.

“They’ll be alright” he said, in a dismissive and self-assured tone.

How wrong he was.

I was woken up at 3am by thunder so loud I thought the house was falling down. The lightening was strobing and it sounded like someone was throwing buckets of water against the bedroom window.

This is what had happened during the night…

The gazebo is now sporting complimentary splints in several places held together with gaffer tape…. classy eh?

Due to the monsoon like weather overnight Simon had done some checks on the boiler room as this was the first proper downfall we had had since its construction. Much to his irritation where the roof butted up against the stone wall there seemed to be a slight leak. Obviously, this needed to be fixed immediately, not just because that’s the way Simon works but because more storms were forecast, and the boiler room will have electricity in it, not an ideal mix.

“Are you going to use the man safe harness again?” I asked knowingly, chuffed with my accumulated building site knowledge!

“Nope, I’ve got nothing to attach it to” he said, not a care in the world.

Let me explain. Last time, whilst attaching the roof rivets, Simon looped the man safe harness through the two bathroom windows and then to himself, therefore being unable to fall. Unfortunately, the floor window (previously known as the wanky wonky window) is screwed shut.

Oh dear.

Not to worry, Simon had been talking to Chopper again, who had come up with a fail-safe plan.

First you screw an upright section of wood to each joist either side of the roof.

Second you place a ladder horizontally across the roof, braced by the aforementioned pieces of wood.

Thirdly you get your wife to hang out of the bathroom window, for moral support and in case elevated screaming is required.

Fourth, you climb up another ladder and get onto the roof without a harness.

I was a bit sweaty by the time he’d finished…

He was fine, he loves it!

 

So, with the roof waterproofed and my heart rate returning to normal we thought that some more modifications to the gazebo were in order. Mainly because the sky was looking ominously purple and you could hear distant rumbles of thunder, but also because if Simon can find a use for a ratchet strap he will.

We were just pottering around in the utility room, minding our own business when we heard clanking on the boiler roof.

“That rain sounds heavy” I said

Not rain, ladies and gentlemen, but hail, in June, the size of pigeons’ eggs!

 We watched this strange phenomenon from the hobbit door, it didn’t last too long before it turned into pelting rain.

“Oh no! I’ve left the cave door open!” said Simon as he charged off, looking, I think you’ll agree, very fetching in his Bat Cape. (Have I mentioned he likes to dress for the occasion?) 

 

Hatches battened, we decided to go and have a biere or two in our local bar. So, we braced ourselves and trekked the 50 feet it takes to get there, and proceeded to have a natter with our neighbours.

There we were, gabbling away in appalling French accents when Flaming June gave way to Hailing June.

Oh no! We were trapped! The locals were just as flabbergasted as we were, they had never seen anything like it either. We were all having a laugh, drinking beer, filming the meteorological marvel without a thought for what damage it was actually doing…

The hail stopped and it started to rain, Simon and I thought we’d make a mad dash for home.

And then I saw it…

The veggie plot was decimated, look for yourselves…

To say I was upset would be an understatement, weeks and weeks of bloody hoeing for a start! Gone in 15 minutes. Nature is destructive. All I can say is, luckily, we don’t need this food to survive.

What we didn’t realise until the next day was that the truck had sustained some damage too. It looks like it’s had a bad case of teenage acne. Simon is too upset to post photos, anyone who knows him will know that his vehicle is his pride and joy. He’s still kicking himself for not putting it in the barn.

We also discovered, that the slate roof tiles had taken a battering…

After hunting out the insurance policy I attempted to make a claim online, armed only with Google Translate I think it went ok and we’re expecting someone to arrive on Tuesday to assess the damage. We did have some water coming into the attic from a roof joist, so that’s definitely going to need sorting.

The French even have a charming way of describing an insurance claim, it’s called ‘declaring a sinister’!

As well as the tiles, car and garden damage, the roof window, which is really just for chimney access, had been smashed by the hail. This wasn’t too expensive to replace, just a trip to the local Brico and 7 Euros later we had new glass.

All I can say is that France is certainly living up to our adventurous expectations! Hopefully the hail won’t make a reappearance anytime soon, at least certainly not in late June!

My only tomato, I’m afraid succumbed to the storm, pulverised beyond repair.

Here he is looking sorry for himself. I sent this picture to our good friends Chris and Vickie, bemoaning the state of the veg patch, with some artistic wizardry and a cartoonist’s eye Chris transformed my sorry tomato into wrathful veggie vigilante!

Revenge of the Killer Tomato!

 

See you next week…