La Porte in a Storm

Bonjour mes amis, 

We have had a week of highs, lows and downright hard graft.

The Bathroom Blitz, as we’re now calling it, has required our full attention and every bit of patience and tenacity that we could find.

At the start of the week Simon cracked on and finished the panelling. We were really pleased with how it was looking, and stupidly thought we’d be painting by the weekend! Oh, what a pair of novices!

He made a top for the boxed in corner behind the bath.

Then he tackled the infamous wanky, wonky window and voila!

Look at the transformation, like a glazed version of Miss Congeniality!

Around the corner he flew, there was no stopping this man, a veritable carpentry whirling dervish!

This was a tricky little number. If you look closely, you’ll see that the panel near the (nice) window is removeable. This is because we need to install central heating in the house. Simon has installed the pipes from below, in the would-be utility room, through the ceiling and floorboards and put them behind the panelling. The panel is removeable for when the remainder of the central heating pipes are fitted and also the radiator.

He’s not just a pretty face you know!

Which brings us to…

 

When is a door not a door? When it’s a pain in the arse…

Simon has had some experience of door hanging before. It didn’t go too well then either, but at least the door frame and reveal were a) level b) at a 90-degree angle and not made of granite and 150-year-old lime mortar.

But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

First, we had to take off the old door. It was a delight of gluey, beige painted oak. And no, we couldn’t sand it down before any DIY enthusiasts pipe up, it didn’t even fit in the hole properly!

Glorious from all angles as you can see…

French doors just lift off the hinges, which is a great invention, but only if you have enough room to lift it off.

Not to worry, we just needed to get the hinges out of the door frame.

Not a hope in hell. They were embedded in the joists of the wall.

 

Never fear, Simon is here! He loves a power tool

 

“Do you need a hand carrying it down the stairs?”  I said, valiantly offering my services.

But no, Simon had a much better idea!

Watch out below!

At this point we were quite buoyant and felt like we were really getting somewhere. Wrong again…

This is what we were left with. A door frame that wasn’t fit for purpose, plus knackered to boot.

We tried our best to stop the dust getting everywhere, but it was a bit hopeless. The bed was a bit gritty by the end of the day. Although by that point, we would have slept on a clothesline.

Anyway, enter The New Door.

I’ve capitalised it as I wish to emphasise the ridiculous amount of gravitas that we gave it. We thought, that we’d pop it into the hole, fix it to the stones at certain points and Bob’s your uncle, new bathroom door.

Non!

The door frame that surrounds the door wasn’t made of the strongest wood, and it twisted, warped and pulled out of line every time Simon screwed it into the reveal.

This is an optical illusion. It doesn’t fit and it’s nearly as wonky as the window was.

We decided to sleep on it. Also, by this point we had lost all hope and gloom had descended upon us.

 

Have I mentioned that Simon can be a bit dramatic?

 

A good night’s sleep can work wonders though…

 

Simon’s brain had been nocturnally ticking away and he’d come up with the master plan!

A maniacal gleam in his eye, he said “I know just what to do!”

He would put a new wooden reveal in the doorway and completely deconstruct and then reconstruct the door.

Just a small job then.

This obviously entailed many trips down to The Bat Cave.

As an aside to the main story, I’ve worked out why vampires dislike the daylight. It’s got nothing to do with being the bloody undead.

Nope, if you’d spent the day in a dark and dim cellar and then someone forced you to go into the glare of the sun then anyone would recoil. Believe me, I know!

All Count Dracula needed was some decent sunnies.

 

That’s beside the point though, time in The Bat Cave meant the climbing of Mount Doom at least 30 times a day.

Consequently, I have thighs like a Russian gymnast, anyone have any walnuts they need cracking?

Still, back to the door fitting.

 

As you can see, some packers were need to make the wall level.

Very soon he was smiling again though as the reveal was strong and ready for the re-made door.

He just had to do a bit of mathematical wizardry first.

This involved taking off one of the panels to make it smaller so the door would actually fit. I hear you asking why we just didn’t buy the right size in the first place? Well nothing in the house is a standard size so that’s put the kybosh on that theory.

But, of course, we knew he’d do it! And here it is…

And it was still only Wednesday!!

 

I had set aside Thursday morning for some much-needed hoeing, the weeds are having a field day!

The veggies really appreciated my attention and I managed to get sunburnt in the process. You’d think I’d have learnt by now, but apparently not.

I’m due at least one strawberry by the looks of this.

Simon had also delegated another garden duty to me.

Seemingly, we had a mole problem!

No, no, no, not that sort of mole, this sort of mole…

So, I had to fire up the John Deere, it’s not as impressive as it sounds, it’s a sit on lawnmower, not a tractor, sadly.

My trusty steed!

A small selection of the mole hills, I’ve told Simon he’s making a mountain out of them but he won’t listen.

My mission was to take all the tops off of the mole hills because they dull the lawnmower blade!

But actually, the furry little fellas are doing me a favour. I tip all their earthy spoils into a heap near the potatoes which is very handy for banking up the soil around them as they grow. The circle of life my friends.

Whilst I was busy digging like a navvy, Simon was measuring up the ridiculous shapes he needed to cover the manky walls and cutting wood for the skirting board.

Not sure why he’s got a spirit level, the results are only going to depress him. Is the wall out of kilter? You bet it is…

It’s at this point I would like to introduce you to the measuring tool equivalent of a magic wand!

This is actually called a Line of Cords for the technophiles amongst you. I was calling it ‘the wonky ruler’ but after seeing the sorcery of which she is capable of I fondly call her Ivanka. This must be said in an exaggerated Russian spy accent at all times.

I amuse myself only, it would seem.

There was a great deal of geometry and trigonometry. I will stick to digging mole hills, thank you very much.

Friday morning saw us mixing up the dot and dab concoction that would stick the plasterboard to the walls.

 

We had been working towards this all week. Finally, we had completely plaster boarded the entire room!

Saturday May 30^th 2020, our 11^th wedding anniversary. Did we have the day off and romance each other?

Don’t be silly, we have to be quiet today so we thought we’d better get on with the noisy stuff.

Deep joy, sanding down the plasterboard. Not our favourite job but hey, how good do I look…?

Mr Clements is one lucky man!

He’s not too shabby himself!

It was hot and dusty work and the clearing up seemed to take forever.

But here it is, in all its sanded down glory…

We’re quite pleased with ourselves. Who needs a romantic meal or flowers and chocolate when you’ve got a hazmat suit and plaster dust up your nose!

Happy Anniversary Mr Clements xxx

*Edit* The picture of the door at the start of the blog was just one I found on the internet. It does not belong to me or Simon. I used it because I liked the look of it and it was a visual play on words with the title.

Some people have been very confused by its appearance 🙄