Si on a cold tin roof!

Bonjour!

They say there’s a fine line between genius and madness. I’ll leave that up to you to decide after today's tale.

So, the boiler room had a floor, walls and roof rafters. We thought an actual roof would be a useful addition and after some discussion about whether to use slate, like the house, terracotta tiles or moulded tin, we decided the most cost effective and easy (!!!) would be the moulded tin.

Our local Brico, which is the French word for DIY, did not have the right stuff. A day trip was planned! It’s not just the effect of the lockdown, we are quite remote here, just a hamlet of eight houses, and we don’t see too many people on a daily basis, so a 56 km drive to the big town was thrilling!

We thought we’d utilise the fact that we were going to a huge DIY shop and really load up the truck and trailer. 

First, we had to take a little drive out to the ‘dechetterie’, a much nicer word, I’m sure you’ll agree than ‘dump’ as we needed an empty trailer, not one full of the remains of our old kitchen.

A small pit stop at the bakers for a breakfast croissant ‘on the hoof’. It’s such a pretty little village.

It was a glorious morning and the drive to Montlucon was gorgeous, the surrounding countryside this time of year is beautiful.

We arrived at the huge Bricodepot at around 11am. Two and a half hours later, and a considerable amount of euros lighter, we stumbled out into the glare and heat of 28 degrees!

We had two trollies’ worth of building equipment and we still hadn’t got the roof as that was in the outdoor section.

I’m not sure if France has heard of Health and Safety or it’s just their Gaelic ‘je ne sais quoi’ but it was alarming in the outside depot.

This was where the tin roof moulding was kept. A very helpful man on a fork lift came and took it down for us, unfortunately whilst Simon was bending over to pick it up, he reversed into him and nearly knocked him over! Not to worry, I nearly had my head taken off by a gentleman carrying several 5 metre pieces of plastic moulding. His only concession to H&S was to shout ‘attention!’ very loudly in my ear.

Anyway, we survived the ordeal and drove home.

By the time we reached Chez Maison Clements the clouds had started to roll in and the rain had started despite the heat.

And then the countryside started to steam!

Sunday morning, as we know, you’re not allowed to make a noise either side of 10-12 am. Simon had a very quiet day, he managed to fit the fenetre in a two-hour window!

Monday morning was grey and grim. The previous evening we had discussed the option of doing some indoor jobs if the weather was no good, but, and who was I trying to kid, Simon had already had to wait 24 hours to get started, a bit of water coming out of the sky wasn’t going to stop him.

This was our starting point. Task one, add some more wooden noggins to the roof so we could have something to screw the metal to.

A gratuitous shot of a fine pair of calves...😁

Noggins attached, we then had to staple the waterproof liner to the rafters.

This is where anything easy stopped. 

Simon could only put one section of paper on at a time because the roof panels came in three sections, and it needed fixing on after each liner was in place.

This is all three of them, overlapping, as they should on the roof. But, the base of the boiler house is not square, so consequently neither are the sides or the roof. The difference from the front to the rear of the roof is 7 cm. Doesn’t sound like much but when you’re trying to fix straight timber or tin, that locks into itself, it makes a real difference.

There was no way we could lift them into place. They were quite heavy, plus I am feeble, and razor sharp. 

Oh yeah, and not only was it raining, the wind had decided to put in an appearance.

By a series of grunts and puckered eyebrows, Simon happened upon a cunning plan.

Here is a pictorial version of Operation Roof Ratchet.

   

First, attach a ratchet strap to the rear beam.

Second, poke the ratchet strap out of the roof, under the lining paper.

Third, place the tin panel on two wooden struts to balance it and attach the ratchet strap by a hook.

Fourth, get your wife to heave ho it up the wooden struts, by pulling on the ratchet strap, while you push it into place.

And that’s how we got them there. 

Simon was having to work up the ladder, leaning across the metal to screw it down into the rafters and noggins. I had to stay inside and watch for any screws that didn’t hit the mark, as he couldn’t see through the metal.

It was 4pm, we were tired, cold and wet. The temperature, had dropped to 6 degrees, absolutely bonkers.

This morning, we resumed operations. Simon hadn’t been able to reach some of the middle sections of the roof and they really needed screwing down. 

And here is where either the genius or madness set in.

This entailed a ‘man-safe’ line which was threaded through the en suite bathroom windows and to that was attached a descent line. Simon donned a ‘fall arrest’ lanyard and harness.

He then nimbly leapt up the scaffolding to the very top. 

It was horrible, I felt sick.

He’s weird, he actually likes it up there!

Unfortunately, he couldn’t still quite reach.  We needed to call on Mr Tickle, but alas Roger Hargreaves was unavailable. So, Simon tied a double loop in the descent line and used it as a stirrup and climbed off of the scaffold tower with one leg in the stirrup, which allowed him to reach along just far enough to screw in the last fixing.

I hope his Life Insurance is up to date!

I think he was quite disappointed when the really high work was done.

Trimming the edge of the tin and fitting the facia, which he has done this afternoon was quite tame in comparison.

And, there we have, apart from the guttering, a completed outside of the boiler house.

On a completely different note, I found today, inside our post box, a bulky letter from the local mayor.

Inside, handmade and reversible were two face masks. Every single person in France has had one delivered by their local mayor’s office. They really do know how to look after the common man in this country.

Fetching, I think you’ll agree..

Not sure why Simon looks so menacing, maybe it’s the effect of having to wear a floral pattern.

And finally, let’s have a huge welcome to the latest member of the Clements’ Clan….

Obviously, his name is Sir Isaac….🐸